Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Ted: An Honest Review


What I Liked
  • Seth MacFarlane's jokes were pretty funny and there was some hilarious weed strain names (mind rape, they're coming they're coming, this is permanent) to name a few.
  •   Wahlberg's second attempt at comedic acting which actually was sorta believable, but ultimately enjoyable
  • Inclusion of various "Family Guy" cast members (Patrick Warburton, Mila Kunis, Alex Borstein)

What I Didn't Like
  • Long, heavily drawn out plot lines that seemed to take forever to resolve.
  • I felt that even though including a relationship is necessary, it will always be fucking boring even if it makes your penis hard
  • As previously mentioned, the Wahlberg and Kunis relationship was an abysmal love interest that wasn't even very believable, not sure why an unbelievably attractive Ukrainian women would want to bang Marky-Mark. (see picture below.)
  • Got realllllllly fucking slow near the halfway point, too much ooey gooey shit and not the cum kind either
  • Some scenes felt awkward as if it were a transition from Family Guy to film

Yeah that's right this motherfucker

 Overall Ratings
TED 7.5 / 10 (This is only because i am impartial to enjoying MacFarlane humor)

Mark Wahlberg 6.9 / 10 (keep at er')

Sunday, April 1, 2012

DVD Review: The Sitter [2011]... STARRING: Fat Jonah Hill

DVD: The Sitter [2011]
                      STARRING: Fat Jonah Hill                     

Creative Lighting techniques hide chins
So the movie begins with a certain act of cunnilingus (fancy way of saying carpet munching), and then a cut to our buddy Jonah wiping his face like he just ate a whole bucket of goddamn chicken
Good lord.
The basic premise of this movie is of a young adult still living with his mom, and he is tasked to babysit three children. Now with this review I don't mean to take shots at Jonah Hill as an actor; because as you will soon find out, he was the only thing right about this movie. The things that went WRONG was the casting of the children, or maybe the lines they were given. Either way three characters who were supposed to be the foundation of this movie, FUCKING SUCKED. They were loud, annoying and terribly unfunny. Every step along the way i wanted to judo chop the fucking idiot kids he had to babysit. I thought this movie was gonna take a dark turn and Jonah's character would just blow his brains out during the second half of the movie.
All credit to Jonah as a person though, it makes my skin crawl when I look at before and after pictures of him.
If you aren't following along Jonah Hill used to be a massive morph of a man and played that comedic role well. However a good comedian knows it is not good for your career to get type-casted as the fat funny guy.
So Jonah decided to change that...
From Fat Man Comic...
To Skinny as FUCK

It might of been a good idea for Jonah to lose all that weight, on the off chance he can expel the fat past and annoying fucking child actors that sunk this movie.

The Sitter: 5.5/10
Jonah Hill: 8/10 

Friday, January 27, 2012

Frustation : Writers Block Sets In

The inability to write is almost like the inability to get an erection. You remember fond memories of when it came easy to you and when it happened unexpectedly and effortlessly. There is nothing worse then sitting there with a limp dick in your cold, clammy hands. No matter how hard you tug and pull at it, it just will not happen...

Oops I am supposed to be talking about "writers block" not Erectile Dysfunction, but at least they have developed pills for that shit. So on the bright side when you are looking down at a blank page, scratching the very corners of your empty brain for one fucking word to write down, at least your dick is as hard as a rock.

The thing about writing is that it can't be achieved by taking a supplement or injecting various ailments into your ass, because first off you may not even know what you want/need to write down. Sure you can scale up a couple outlines of what you want to accomplish but in order to fill the blank space on the screen there must be something there. You can even toss in a couple "filler" words to increase your word count, a futile gesture to stroke your hurt ego and increase the size of your "microsoft character count boner"(I will copyright this soon enough so don't rip me off). I mean you may have written some wonderful things in the past but why goddammit can't you just pull one more proverbial bag of word-shit tricks outta your ass.

I guess that is something that I love about writing, that good writers will not let some forced, contrived struggled shit-agraphs* be called as their own, because they know better of themselves. So I guess sometimes we just need to let the words/boners come to us, because it feels better then the flaccid shit-agraphs/penis we tightly grip.

 If you actually did read through this I am whole-heartedly thankful, felt good to get this out...

* (Only way to describe the meaningless and passion-devoid paragraphs some people shit out of their brains sometimes).

Monday, November 28, 2011

Tower Heist: An In-Depth Movie Review....

This recent weekend I finally decided to leave the house and watch a movie in theaters. As soon as I arrived at the movies I was begrudgingly forced to pick between three terrible choices, the lingering idea of driving back home seemed like a very good idea at the time. I decided that I had came this far to see a movie I am not leaving without sitting through one. My final choice was to watch the Action-Adventure Comedy with an ensemble cast of male actors.

This movie had a very strong cast of actors but not one single star captured the show. I will be rating performances of the cast on a Letter grade scale of (F- to A+),  the talent included...
Ben Stiller (  B+ )

I am giving Ben this rating I was pleasantly surprised with his performance. I feel like he gets ragged on too much with doing stupid movies but he really did a good job in this movie and was very entertaining. I was sort of rooting for this character the whole time and I was pleased with the film's outcome. That is why Ben Stiller receives a (B+).

Matthew Broderick ( B )
Awesome to see him back on the horse again, but it is a very eerie feeling seeing him looking this old. Defintely was crept out by seeing him act like such a pussy in this movie when he was so bad-ass in Ferris Bueller. Like seriously he was a fucking pussy. His character was a broke wall street guy who was squatting in this expensive apartment building. So in other words not really the ideal heist man like goddamn this motherfuck looks sad and lonely.
He actually plays a pussy pretty well though so he gets a ( B ).

Eddie Murphy (B-)
In this movie Eddie plays the most blackest, thuggest, deceiving motherfucker. He is a typical quick talking thug who always seems to be getting himself into trouble. He doesnt know much about nothing and doesnt really ever help out in the actual heist, and he plays kind of an asshole and maybe even not a likeable one. On the positive side this is much better then what Eddie has been doing before this and it was a step back into the right direction. Looking forward to seeing more like this ( B- ).

  Casey Affleck (C)

Big surpise here in this movie for some fucking reason Casey plays an even bigger asshole then Eddie Murphy. He is the concierge in the apartment building and a shitty one at that. Whenever his character came on the screen I got pissed off and hated how his character developed throughout the movie and then the cliche return at the last moment. Fuck you Casey Affleck you get a (C)

These are the only cast reviews I am going to do but otherwise I was pleased with the actors.

Actual Movie Review
was actually a decent movie with some good twist and turns that kept you going. Didn't really feel like a comedy at sometimes because there weren't that many actual jokes, but admittedly it was entertaining none-the-less. For that reason entirely is how I based my review.

6.8/10 - Decent flick, wouldn't want to spend money on it again  

There you fuckers go, sorry for the long wait...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Lazy as Shit (guilty post)

I realize I have not updated the blog in a while, and I feel like a shithead for not being able to find the time for one. On the off chance you want to get your fix on the the go, I have been "tweeting", as gay as that sounds. If you are into that thing you can follow me on twitter @davidpeddigrew, oddly enough I have been pouring some comedic effort into twitter. Who knows you may see a surprise post in upcoming weeks...

Monday, July 25, 2011

Horrible Bosses Review - Also...Pot Brownies

July has been a very busy month and I have been wading through bullshit knee-high. I have however managed to squeeze some nights out, most which have been as shitty as sitting at a desk all day. However, I come to you now with the detailing of a very special night out.

DISCLAIMER: I watched the following movie, Horrible Bosses, under the influence of some good ol' fashioned "Space Cakes" (also known as weed brownies, the person who helped me made them INSISTED on calling them that, whatever tickles your pickle I guess)

"Bang on impression"
The Lead-Up 
I need to let it be known that my choice to see "Horrible Bosses" was a spur of the moment choice. After ingesting said brownies, a certain yearning came over me. I had needed to GET THE FUCK OUT from where I was, because I had began to, as the kids call it, wig out. I convinced my pals in order to calm down I needed to leave ASAP, so we hopped on the first bus that came down the street, a decision that will never turn out as well as it did this time, so don't fucking try it. As it turns out the buses final stop was the local movie theater, a fate so fittingly for a man as high as myself. So we stumble up the stairs, eyes as red as the devil's dick, giggling like a gang of hyena's. We slapped all the money we had and just asked "for a funny movie". I mean if I were ever to serve myself, I would fucking hate me. After spending an atrocious amount of money on food, we managed to find decent seats in a packed theater.I began to settle in, I placed my drink to my right (PS. I never knew proper etiquette on this, WHAT FUCKING SIDE DO I PUT IT ON?), shuffled my popcorn and candy onto my lap and I was ready to go.

The Viewing
The moment the opening credits rolled, I was locked in. I watched this movie like a man possessed, constantly analyzing and pondering every frivolous detail. Due to my extreme highness, the first laugh came at the familiar face of Jason Bateman, which then left a bitter taste in my mouth. (Over Arrested Development, i'm still pissed). In retrospect, the casting of this movie was phenomenal. I was mainly impressed by the inclusion of Charlie Day, or "Charlie" from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
(The Hornet smoking man in the video)

Other notables include Jamie Foxx as "Mothafucka Jones", Jennifer Anniston as a nympho dentist, Colin Farrell as a balding cokehead and Kevin Spacey as your typical asshole boss. The basic plot is three buddies scheming to kill their bosses, a fantasy most can relate too. Now I am not here to re-write the whole fuckin movie so I'll get down to brass tax. During my first viewing of Horrible Bosses I was literally on the floor with laughter, and saw it as a revolution in film making. I wiped tears of laughter away from my eyes as I clutched my chest for release, hoping I would be able to breath in between these fits of laughter After viewing it a second time, this time much more sober I still enjoyed this movie but it was a hollow feeling, knowing it will never live up to my high expectations.

Therefore, I have decided to give Horrible bosses two separate ratings...

Horrible Bosses (HIGH) : 9.5/10
Horrible Bosses (SOBER) : 7.25/10

Overall, a decent flick. A enjoyable black comedy that is bound to create some laughs. I recommend you go out and see it yourselves if you are into that kinda thing, because after all I am just an asshole in front of a keyboard, so take my ratings with a grain of salt.

BTW. Thanks for all the support and all my followers, stay tuned and I will try and write MUCH more often...

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Well Fuck, I'm Lazy... (A Night Out At The Bar/Movie Recommendations)

Wow, glad to see this shit-boat is still afloat... Hopefully my hiatus hasn't deterred my followers, who I was under the impression checked this site everyday, because lord knows I didn't. In all seriousness as school winds down, apparently so does my love-life which basically means I am back on the prowl for gutter sluts. So if anyone here is interested I am going to divulge what transpired one night at the local bar... (If not just skip your arrogant ass to the bottom where I have some interesting movie picks/ratings)

A Night Out At The Bar

     After what seemed like an endless cycle of beating my meat, eating cereal alone, and getting caught up on Breaking Bad, I felt like my life needed a change (or a real pussy).

(A seriously great show, highly recommend it)

I got all dressed up in my best T-shirt and wrinkled khaki's, the same exact pair I had almost shat in last year at the farmers market. (*Note: never eat quesadillas off a cart*) I loaded up on cologne from various bottles, reasoning that if I smell strong enough she won't focus on my appearance. So I ventured with some buddies to a local bar, because I figured if I can't get laid I might as well walk home. The place we went to was notorious for hosting a wide array of dirty birds, biker dykes, and aforementioned "gutter sluts". We entered the place with a strict plan and a very straight forward plan at that, which was to get our sorry asses laid. The first girl I talked too really wasn't having it, but most girls play coy so I pressed on. After an eternity of one word answers and blank stares, I used the good ol' "I have a dart game to go". Girls "2,3,4" were a blur of rejection and shame so I will leave their cunt faces out this retelling. (I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOUR STINKY PUSSIES ANYWAY). Now girl 5 was when the night finally got interesting, who I shall refer to as "Brenda" . Brenda was a real "meat n' potatoes" kinda girl, and by that I mean she had a lot of meat on her and smelled like scalloped potatoes, which didn't deter me one bit. As the conversation turned to Pillow Talkin', it seemed  like I may have found a slump buster. After a few more rounds this girl was ready to go but also noticeably inebriated and very sweaty. We walked back to my apartment (A classy gent like me will NOT call a cab for a hook-up). As I entered my apartment I began stripping and was completely ready to go if you catch my drift... So caught up in my lust-filled stupor I had forgotten where Brenda was. Tip-toeing like a Jewel Thief I peered through all possible doorways and nooks, looking for my gargantuan accomplice. After not finding her anywhere in my house I figured I had been duped once again. So I returned to my comfy, ass-sweat stained computer chair and began to stroke the salami once again. After getting up at the crack of a dawn, I needed to run out of the house for some groceries, so I got my poop in a group and left for the store. Upon exiting my apartment what I saw next bewildered me... Brenda was passed out In the hallway.So close.. Yet so far away. 

Moral of the story: Pony up the extra 8 bucks for a cab, it may be the difference between getting pussy or feeling the shameful embrace of your right hand once again.