Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Ted: An Honest Review


What I Liked
  • Seth MacFarlane's jokes were pretty funny and there was some hilarious weed strain names (mind rape, they're coming they're coming, this is permanent) to name a few.
  •   Wahlberg's second attempt at comedic acting which actually was sorta believable, but ultimately enjoyable
  • Inclusion of various "Family Guy" cast members (Patrick Warburton, Mila Kunis, Alex Borstein)

What I Didn't Like
  • Long, heavily drawn out plot lines that seemed to take forever to resolve.
  • I felt that even though including a relationship is necessary, it will always be fucking boring even if it makes your penis hard
  • As previously mentioned, the Wahlberg and Kunis relationship was an abysmal love interest that wasn't even very believable, not sure why an unbelievably attractive Ukrainian women would want to bang Marky-Mark. (see picture below.)
  • Got realllllllly fucking slow near the halfway point, too much ooey gooey shit and not the cum kind either
  • Some scenes felt awkward as if it were a transition from Family Guy to film

Yeah that's right this motherfucker

 Overall Ratings
TED 7.5 / 10 (This is only because i am impartial to enjoying MacFarlane humor)

Mark Wahlberg 6.9 / 10 (keep at er')

Sunday, April 1, 2012

DVD Review: The Sitter [2011]... STARRING: Fat Jonah Hill

DVD: The Sitter [2011]
                      STARRING: Fat Jonah Hill                     

Creative Lighting techniques hide chins
So the movie begins with a certain act of cunnilingus (fancy way of saying carpet munching), and then a cut to our buddy Jonah wiping his face like he just ate a whole bucket of goddamn chicken
Good lord.
The basic premise of this movie is of a young adult still living with his mom, and he is tasked to babysit three children. Now with this review I don't mean to take shots at Jonah Hill as an actor; because as you will soon find out, he was the only thing right about this movie. The things that went WRONG was the casting of the children, or maybe the lines they were given. Either way three characters who were supposed to be the foundation of this movie, FUCKING SUCKED. They were loud, annoying and terribly unfunny. Every step along the way i wanted to judo chop the fucking idiot kids he had to babysit. I thought this movie was gonna take a dark turn and Jonah's character would just blow his brains out during the second half of the movie.
All credit to Jonah as a person though, it makes my skin crawl when I look at before and after pictures of him.
If you aren't following along Jonah Hill used to be a massive morph of a man and played that comedic role well. However a good comedian knows it is not good for your career to get type-casted as the fat funny guy.
So Jonah decided to change that...
From Fat Man Comic...
To Skinny as FUCK

It might of been a good idea for Jonah to lose all that weight, on the off chance he can expel the fat past and annoying fucking child actors that sunk this movie.

The Sitter: 5.5/10
Jonah Hill: 8/10 

Friday, January 27, 2012

Frustation : Writers Block Sets In

The inability to write is almost like the inability to get an erection. You remember fond memories of when it came easy to you and when it happened unexpectedly and effortlessly. There is nothing worse then sitting there with a limp dick in your cold, clammy hands. No matter how hard you tug and pull at it, it just will not happen...

Oops I am supposed to be talking about "writers block" not Erectile Dysfunction, but at least they have developed pills for that shit. So on the bright side when you are looking down at a blank page, scratching the very corners of your empty brain for one fucking word to write down, at least your dick is as hard as a rock.

The thing about writing is that it can't be achieved by taking a supplement or injecting various ailments into your ass, because first off you may not even know what you want/need to write down. Sure you can scale up a couple outlines of what you want to accomplish but in order to fill the blank space on the screen there must be something there. You can even toss in a couple "filler" words to increase your word count, a futile gesture to stroke your hurt ego and increase the size of your "microsoft character count boner"(I will copyright this soon enough so don't rip me off). I mean you may have written some wonderful things in the past but why goddammit can't you just pull one more proverbial bag of word-shit tricks outta your ass.

I guess that is something that I love about writing, that good writers will not let some forced, contrived struggled shit-agraphs* be called as their own, because they know better of themselves. So I guess sometimes we just need to let the words/boners come to us, because it feels better then the flaccid shit-agraphs/penis we tightly grip.

 If you actually did read through this I am whole-heartedly thankful, felt good to get this out...

* (Only way to describe the meaningless and passion-devoid paragraphs some people shit out of their brains sometimes).