A Night Out At The Bar
After what seemed like an endless cycle of beating my meat, eating cereal alone, and getting caught up on Breaking Bad, I felt like my life needed a change (or a real pussy).
(A seriously great show, highly recommend it)
I got all dressed up in my best T-shirt and wrinkled khaki's, the same exact pair I had almost shat in last year at the farmers market. (*Note: never eat quesadillas off a cart*) I loaded up on cologne from various bottles, reasoning that if I smell strong enough she won't focus on my appearance. So I ventured with some buddies to a local bar, because I figured if I can't get laid I might as well walk home. The place we went to was notorious for hosting a wide array of dirty birds, biker dykes, and aforementioned "gutter sluts". We entered the place with a strict plan and a very straight forward plan at that, which was to get our sorry asses laid. The first girl I talked too really wasn't having it, but most girls play coy so I pressed on. After an eternity of one word answers and blank stares, I used the good ol' "I have a dart game to go". Girls "2,3,4" were a blur of rejection and shame so I will leave their cunt faces out this retelling. (I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOUR STINKY PUSSIES ANYWAY). Now girl 5 was when the night finally got interesting, who I shall refer to as "Brenda" . Brenda was a real "meat n' potatoes" kinda girl, and by that I mean she had a lot of meat on her and smelled like scalloped potatoes, which didn't deter me one bit. As the conversation turned to Pillow Talkin', it seemed like I may have found a slump buster. After a few more rounds this girl was ready to go but also noticeably inebriated and very sweaty. We walked back to my apartment (A classy gent like me will NOT call a cab for a hook-up). As I entered my apartment I began stripping and was completely ready to go if you catch my drift... So caught up in my lust-filled stupor I had forgotten where Brenda was. Tip-toeing like a Jewel Thief I peered through all possible doorways and nooks, looking for my gargantuan accomplice. After not finding her anywhere in my house I figured I had been duped once again. So I returned to my comfy, ass-sweat stained computer chair and began to stroke the salami once again. After getting up at the crack of a dawn, I needed to run out of the house for some groceries, so I got my poop in a group and left for the store. Upon exiting my apartment what I saw next bewildered me... Brenda was passed out In the hallway.So close.. Yet so far away.
Moral of the story: Pony up the extra 8 bucks for a cab, it may be the difference between getting pussy or feeling the shameful embrace of your right hand once again.