A Night Out At The Bar
After what seemed like an endless cycle of beating my meat, eating cereal alone, and getting caught up on Breaking Bad, I felt like my life needed a change (or a real pussy).
(A seriously great show, highly recommend it)
I got all dressed up in my best T-shirt and wrinkled khaki's, the same exact pair I had almost shat in last year at the farmers market. (*Note: never eat quesadillas off a cart*) I loaded up on cologne from various bottles, reasoning that if I smell strong enough she won't focus on my appearance. So I ventured with some buddies to a local bar, because I figured if I can't get laid I might as well walk home. The place we went to was notorious for hosting a wide array of dirty birds, biker dykes, and aforementioned "gutter sluts". We entered the place with a strict plan and a very straight forward plan at that, which was to get our sorry asses laid. The first girl I talked too really wasn't having it, but most girls play coy so I pressed on. After an eternity of one word answers and blank stares, I used the good ol' "I have a dart game to go". Girls "2,3,4" were a blur of rejection and shame so I will leave their cunt faces out this retelling. (I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOUR STINKY PUSSIES ANYWAY). Now girl 5 was when the night finally got interesting, who I shall refer to as "Brenda" . Brenda was a real "meat n' potatoes" kinda girl, and by that I mean she had a lot of meat on her and smelled like scalloped potatoes, which didn't deter me one bit. As the conversation turned to Pillow Talkin', it seemed like I may have found a slump buster. After a few more rounds this girl was ready to go but also noticeably inebriated and very sweaty. We walked back to my apartment (A classy gent like me will NOT call a cab for a hook-up). As I entered my apartment I began stripping and was completely ready to go if you catch my drift... So caught up in my lust-filled stupor I had forgotten where Brenda was. Tip-toeing like a Jewel Thief I peered through all possible doorways and nooks, looking for my gargantuan accomplice. After not finding her anywhere in my house I figured I had been duped once again. So I returned to my comfy, ass-sweat stained computer chair and began to stroke the salami once again. After getting up at the crack of a dawn, I needed to run out of the house for some groceries, so I got my poop in a group and left for the store. Upon exiting my apartment what I saw next bewildered me... Brenda was passed out In the hallway.So close.. Yet so far away.
Moral of the story: Pony up the extra 8 bucks for a cab, it may be the difference between getting pussy or feeling the shameful embrace of your right hand once again.Half-Ass Movie Reviews/Recommendations
I am gonna throw out a quick one before I end this shit, but I am nice guy so I'll try to cater to all audiences...
#1 ThanksKilling (2009)
These guys cornered the market on turkey-sex jokes, and with intensely bad special effects/Dialogue/Everything Else, it may scare away
most all potential viewers. Just take this 11 second excerpt as an example.
Overall this movie knows what it was made to do and successfully does it. If you are in the mood for a stupid horror B-Movie, you can stop looking but if you don't want a shitty movie to shit on your face then get the fuck outta here!
ThanksKilling gets a pants-shittingly bad 2/10