Sunday, June 12, 2011

Well Fuck, I'm Lazy... (A Night Out At The Bar/Movie Recommendations)

Wow, glad to see this shit-boat is still afloat... Hopefully my hiatus hasn't deterred my followers, who I was under the impression checked this site everyday, because lord knows I didn't. In all seriousness as school winds down, apparently so does my love-life which basically means I am back on the prowl for gutter sluts. So if anyone here is interested I am going to divulge what transpired one night at the local bar... (If not just skip your arrogant ass to the bottom where I have some interesting movie picks/ratings)


A Night Out At The Bar

     After what seemed like an endless cycle of beating my meat, eating cereal alone, and getting caught up on Breaking Bad, I felt like my life needed a change (or a real pussy).


 
(A seriously great show, highly recommend it)

I got all dressed up in my best T-shirt and wrinkled khaki's, the same exact pair I had almost shat in last year at the farmers market. (*Note: never eat quesadillas off a cart*) I loaded up on cologne from various bottles, reasoning that if I smell strong enough she won't focus on my appearance. So I ventured with some buddies to a local bar, because I figured if I can't get laid I might as well walk home. The place we went to was notorious for hosting a wide array of dirty birds, biker dykes, and aforementioned "gutter sluts". We entered the place with a strict plan and a very straight forward plan at that, which was to get our sorry asses laid. The first girl I talked too really wasn't having it, but most girls play coy so I pressed on. After an eternity of one word answers and blank stares, I used the good ol' "I have a dart game to go". Girls "2,3,4" were a blur of rejection and shame so I will leave their cunt faces out this retelling. (I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOUR STINKY PUSSIES ANYWAY). Now girl 5 was when the night finally got interesting, who I shall refer to as "Brenda" . Brenda was a real "meat n' potatoes" kinda girl, and by that I mean she had a lot of meat on her and smelled like scalloped potatoes, which didn't deter me one bit. As the conversation turned to Pillow Talkin', it seemed  like I may have found a slump buster. After a few more rounds this girl was ready to go but also noticeably inebriated and very sweaty. We walked back to my apartment (A classy gent like me will NOT call a cab for a hook-up). As I entered my apartment I began stripping and was completely ready to go if you catch my drift... So caught up in my lust-filled stupor I had forgotten where Brenda was. Tip-toeing like a Jewel Thief I peered through all possible doorways and nooks, looking for my gargantuan accomplice. After not finding her anywhere in my house I figured I had been duped once again. So I returned to my comfy, ass-sweat stained computer chair and began to stroke the salami once again. After getting up at the crack of a dawn, I needed to run out of the house for some groceries, so I got my poop in a group and left for the store. Upon exiting my apartment what I saw next bewildered me... Brenda was passed out In the hallway.So close.. Yet so far away. 

Moral of the story: Pony up the extra 8 bucks for a cab, it may be the difference between getting pussy or feeling the shameful embrace of your right hand once again.
Half-Ass Movie Reviews/Recommendations

I am gonna throw out a quick one before I end this shit, but I am nice guy so I'll try to cater to all audiences...

#1 ThanksKilling (2009)
These guys cornered the market on turkey-sex jokes, and with intensely bad special effects/Dialogue/Everything Else, it may scare away most all potential viewers. Just take this 11 second excerpt as an example.

Overall this movie knows what it was made to do and successfully does it. If you are in the mood for a stupid horror B-Movie, you can stop looking but if you don't want a shitty movie to shit on your face then get the fuck outta here!

 


ThanksKilling gets a pants-shittingly bad 2/10


21 comments:

  1. ThanksKilling is horrendous. The scene with the turkey screwing the cheerleader or whatever she supposed to be was mind-numbingly awful. You have my sympathies for suffering through that movie.

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  2. What a hideous movie! I feel for you man. May have to blog about it on my blog! check it out if you have the time

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  3. I wouldn't even call it a B-Movie, a C-Movie maybe? D? I'm going to school for film, i'm always scared i'm going end up making garbage like this after I leave.

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  4. Just came across your blog pretty sweet man, and thanks for the movie reccommendation, i'll make sure to NOT watch it lol.

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  5. Lol, I checked it out, it's not that bad...

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  6. Haha ive seen thanks killing such a nonsense movie love your blog

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  7. Oh god, breaking bad... XDDD
    Followed

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  8. didn't watch the movies, but the story made me lmao, i was like lmao.
    Followed!

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  9. Perfect, I have a new crappy movie to torture my g/f with while my back heals! THANK YOU!
    Followed

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  10. Cabs. Gotcha. Haha.
    Following your blog, looking forward to the future updates!

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  11. Walking Dead and Breaking Bad are easily my two favorite shows right now!

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  12. Mwah, I have to disagree, I hate those shows, dunno why actually.

    Nice blog guy, keep up the good work.

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  13. Just got here at this blog... never espected to see ThanksKilling in any blog on the planet. I have to admit is fkin bad, but I would give a 3/10 instead of 2/10. You know?... Is from those that are so bad that they are good. Just look at the old Street Fighter movie. [sobs]

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  14. That sounds like not the best night of ur life, and that looks like not the best movie ever. What an understatement :D

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  15. lol i thought this was snoop doggs blog at first.

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  16. ahahahaha.. great stuff, man! i followed you fyi

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  17. Following you, I'm liking these blogs...:D

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  18. Best show I've watching in a long time.

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